[Summary] How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie — 3 Takeaways, 2 Quotes, 1 Question.

The must-read book on everyone’s must-read list.

The timeless classic that we’ve all seen on everyone’s “Must Read” list.

First published in 1936, Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends & Influence People was a pioneer of the “motivational” book genre, eventually going on to become one of the best-selling books of all time. In it, Carnegie explores various ways that we can develop effective relationships in our professional and personal lives.

It has four main sections:

1. “Fundamental Techniques of Handling People”
2. “Six Ways to Make People Like You”
3. “How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking”
4. “Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment”.

I think it goes without saying that 3 takeaways and 2 quotes can’t capture the full scope of this book, but the key idea is that change in others starts with change in ourselves.

3 Takeaways

#1: It’s always about the other person.

Ironically, the key to being an interesting person is to be interested in others.

Across Carnegie’s 30 principles, one common theme that seems to run through is seeing everything from the other person’s perspective. While it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re doing all of the talking, it does mean becoming genuinely interested in their perspective, their beliefs, and their interests — for example, by asking thoughtful questions that the other person will enjoy answering (e.g. their expertise or opinion on something), and then listening intently to their response.

While I feel that many of us wouldn’t admit to this, I think that we all love to talk about ourselves from time to time — and in an increasingly noisy world, it can be quite refreshing to have someone just sit still, nod their head, and show sincere interest in our every word, even just for a few minutes.

To sum this up: “To be interesting, be interested.”

#2: Be gracious when in disagreement.

There’s a difference between disagreements and arguments. Arguments are often a lose-lose battle — regardless of who wins, it typically ends with the loser feeling inferior, resentful, and perhaps even more convinced that they’re right. So who really won the argument if both sides are still firmly entrenched in the same camp?

According to Carnegie, the key to arguments is turning them into respectful disagreements. This involves making a point of welcoming the disagreement, listening intently first (i.e. “you’re wrong” vs. “why do you see it that way?”), looking for areas of agreement, promising to spend time thinking over the other person’s side (and actually taking the time!), and sincerely thanking the other person for their interest in the topic.

The book goes into a bit more detail, but in essence being gracious in disagreement allows our guards to come down, which leads to both sides becoming sympathetic to each other’s viewpoints, and — ultimately — a more productive conversation.

#3: Admit to your faults openly and humbly.

To be an effective leader is to be an imperfect human. As a leader, before criticizing others or giving feedback, it helps to openly admit to our own flaws first (e.g. “I’ve made that same mistake when I was in your role”), and then following it with genuine praise (e.g. “But you’re already learning from it way faster than I did”).

It’s safe to say that no one likes feeling inferior to others. In a similar vein to Takeaway #2, admitting to our own imperfections not only allows the other person to let their guard down, but it also removes any perceived ego from the conversation and helps the other person feel comfortable that they’re not being “talked down” to.

Again, it’s always about seeing things from the other person’s perspective.

2 Quotes

#1:

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

#2:

“If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing — an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own — if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping stones of your career.”

1 Question

Am I fully present in this conversation right now?

Thanks for reading!

P.S. The link above that drives you to the book’s Amazon page is an affiliate link — meaning that, at no additional cost to you, I’ll earn a commission if you click through and decide to purchase.